:: The Ugly Mans guide to picking up girls
Mike Macharia gives us the complete guide

Making an entrance
It’s finally your big night. You’ve been waiting all week to strut out your stuff, ladies beware!
When walking into the club, make sure to walk as slowly as possible; like you are acting out the slow-mo part in a music video. Screw being yourself: you are Ne-yo tonight.
Greet complete strangers occasionally with a curt nod, a peace sign and random thumbs-up to guys with pretty chics. Greet people you actually know with a shout and a bear hug. Make a big deal out of this whole process, considering that you will keep doing it every time you bump into each other through out the night.
After this preamble, make a beeline for the bar and order two drinks: one for you and the other for a pretty mamasita who will undoubtedly join you at the bar, given your impressive entrance.
Give them time; by your third drink, they’ll be crawling all over you. Act nonchalant and order your drinks loudly.

Personal hygene
If no chic has approached you yet, it is safe to assume that they are either blind or lesbians. Don’t let this bother you though. As part of your preparations to go clubbing, (up to and including your annual shower) you should include a generous helping of cologne. Douse yourself in the stuff. The ladies should have no problem tracking you down by scent alone.
As a show of how germ free you are, dig that toothpick you’ve been carrying since lunch out of your pocket and pick your teeth liberally. You never know when some chic will swoon onto your lap and ask you to kiss her. Besides, chics like guys with good oral hygiene, and you obviously have an advantage over the other morons in the club who forgot to carry their toothpicks.

Pick up lines
After your sixth drink is finished, you are now officially allowed to mack women.
“Hey baby, guess my shoe size?” is a great place to start.
“Do you drink here every day?” is even better because it presumes that she has a drinking problem, which means you have something in common.
Do not get discouraged by early failure. Remember, most chics are coy, hence are only pretending to be offended by your rude, chauvinistic and marginally disturbed lines. Persistence pays.
Since this is the only time you are permitted to get sentimental without being deemed gay, toss in lines from any Boyz II Men ballad you can think of.
“I’ll make love to you, like you want me to…” sounds great and gets to the point really quickly.

Witty banter
If you get lucky enough to find a girl who actually falls for your dazzling lines, overwhelming machismo and unnaturally large capacity for alcohol, and is actually far more drunk than you are it would now be appropriate to get to know a little bit more about her other than her name, which you can’t, for the life of you, remember two and a half seconds after she told you.
Ask the lady what she does, what her hobbies are, if she likes traveling, etc, then put on a look of deep concentration as you try from the depths of your alcohol soaked brain to listen to her blathering about stuff you could care less about. All you want to know is whether or not she’s coming home with you tonight.
Down a few tequila shots if her monologue gets particularly dull, maintaining eye contact even as your eyes periodically crawl all over her bust. Lick your lips ceaselessly while she’s talking: if it works for LL Cool J, it can work for you too.
If she takes a pause in her long winded ramble to sip her drink, take this opportunity to cut in and tell her about stuff that really interests you: cars, sports and lesbians. Or the joys of three way intercourse if she seems particularly open minded.
So as not to give her a chance to start up again, only take a break to go to the bathroom or to showcase your new-found rapping/ singing talent. Make sure to be loud enough for chics within a five kilometer radius hear you. This will please her, because everybody knows that chics like making other chics jealous; and with her sitting next to such a talented specimen of manhood as you, you can be sure other chics will be plenty jealous.

Etiquette
As the night progresses and your heavy drinking habit becomes more and more apparent, behave as you would if you were meeting the Queen of England.
Excuse yourself before you burp, cut a loud long beer fart, or puke on her brand new Jimmy Choos. If you can’t hold it, begging pardon after the fact should also do the trick.
To keep other punters at bay, fart as often as possible. This is a good way of marking your territory, so stuff yourself with beans and eggs as part of your preparations for going out.
It is also polite to ask for her permission to go outside and beat up the man she was talking to while you were taking a leak. Whether the man is her relative, priest or childhood friend, he is obviously disrespecting you by talking to her in your absence. Asking for permission from her will demonstrate your good upbringing, as well as your capability to protect her from other men. Pick fights with people around you for frivolous reasons and as often as possible, so that she can see how masculine you are. Chics do not like sissies, and you are definitely not one.
Offer the lady a ride home if she doesn’t have one. If you pass out on the bar or bougainvillea bush outside and delay her departure for a couple of hours, offer a sincere apology when you finally come to. If your alcoholic coma lasts till well past dawn, or if you wake up in the emergency room, it is prudent to call the lady after the doctors have finished pumping your stomach.

Making an exit
Making a good exit is as important as making a good entry. Never leave the club alone. Considering that by now you’ve consumed a dangerously large amount of alcohol, you may crawl out with the tub of lard that was shooting pool alone on the far side of the bar, the girl with the freakishly large head who has been sitting alone next to you for the last half hour (after confirming that its human), Suzie, who has been passed out in the ladies bathroom most of the night or the bald, hipless wonder that just broke up with its boyfriend and has been crying ceaselessly since (only after confirming that it is, indeed, female.) The boys will understand.
If all else fails, sneaking out with the beer mug you’ve been slurping from all night will have to do. Care should be taken, however, to ensure that the club’s bouncers do not detect your theft, as they shall try to deprive you of the mug, the only thing that understands you, and probably put you in traction for a couple of months after the heavy beating they shall mete out as part of their sacred bouncer duties.

By following these simple tips, you will be assured of a fun night out. The chics will never stand a chance. Happy hunting!

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