:: East African Federation
15 May 2007

It’s probably just me but there seems to be an upsurge of stories about the East African community (EAC). The TV stations are falling over themselves to do a feature on what people think about what is going down with East Africa. NTV’s Rita Tinina seems to have a stand at the Arusha International Conference Centre where the secretariat of the EAC is for instance. And I have just been looking at a totally useless story from our friends Citizen TV. And then there was this piece done on KBC about how residents of two towns in Tanzania, Arusha and Dar es Salaam, are viewing the coming federation. Arushans, in spite of their town probably being the biggest winner from a political federation, are against it. Dar pals are for it. The ones against it are worried that they will lose out due to lack of education for Tanzanians.

A Tanzanian and Ugandan hottie: two good reasons for intergration in my opinion

A rather cool piece recently done by some dude from NTV Uganda was probably the most honest report about the East African Community. What I recall vividly are the fears of Kenyan women that once the community is free, their men will be snatched from them by the Ugandan women. I don't know about this but I don't see why Kenyan women are so worried. I mean if what I hear on what our women think about Kenyan chaps, they won't miss out too much when the mama’s boys are snatched up by their regional sisters. In fact, I would have thought the Ugandan women were doing Kenyan ladies a favour by riding them of such immature, commitment phobic fellows.

Enough about what the media reportage. Here's my opinion of the whole East African Community business. For one, I do not like the name, "The East African Community". Its not semantics. The name doesn’t call us to any action. The United States. Think about this name for a bit. You wanted to he part of a country called the UNITED STATES. Several states have come together and have united together for their common good. Just what does EAC inspire in me? Jack! If one day, The East African Federation becomes very successful, we have to go back to the drawing board and rename it. Why don't we do it right now while the idea is still nascent then? I believe we should call it… the Amani Federation. Amani for one, is Swahili. This means that the language of the community is set. It’s also Swahili for Peace. I prefer Federation to Community because I’m such a big fan of Star trek see? So Amani Federation it is. We are all Amanians from now.

The beauty of this name is that this federation stands for something; peace. The idea is that we have something we are standing for. Not just that we are neighbours but that we stand for peace. And there’s always prosperity and more. With such a setup, the Amani federation can start spreading South (Zambia, Malawi, Zimbabwe) and west (Central African Republic, Chad). Before we know it, the African federation will be a reality and we shall take over the world.... muahhahahaha!!! (yes that evil laughter)... How’s that for a plan for world domination then? Here’s hoping Pinky and the Brain don’t read this website and my plan for world domination he he…

Another thing is that we need to start getting rid these odiero names we use to name our land marks and masses. No more Lake Victoria or Victoria Falls or Murchison Falls. We should rename them all to heroes of the Amani federation. Or people who book them first. With this in mind, I would quickly like to book that mass of water to west of this country which is like the largest fresh water lake in the world. I would like book the Lake they currently call Lake Victoria. I hope that the naming secretariat would accept my application to have it renamed to Lake Web Bandit. It would be so cool no? If they don't accept my application, then they should at least rename the lake to the name of an Amani Federation hero. The person I have in mind is Mwalimu Nyerere. Perhaps they could consider naming the name the lake, Lake Nyerere. He was such a visionary the old guy. His article on East African federation in "Freedom and Unity" (a selection of his writings and teachings) was so instructive. The dude appealed for a federation for the region even before independence. If the dude had his way we would all have been speaking Swahili in Tanzankenganda or something to that effect. If there is one pal that deserves to have the largest fresh water lake in the world named after him, then its old mwalimu.

They also need to get rid of that butt ugly EA flag. What the heck was that pal who approved that horrible design thinking? Ati every colour in every flag in the region has to be there to appease everyone. Duh! How about they just pick an innovative concept we can all buy into. Think about it man. They could have the flag being black or orange or whatever with a symbol representing each country in the federation. Say a spear for each country. Or a mapera. Or a maize cob. Or a chicken like those ones in the Nando’s logo. The idea is that there is a need for something very miro as a symbol for each of the states. The current flag needs urgent dumping. Like yesterday.

What kind flag it this yawa?!

Moving away from the macro things like flags and names for the federation there needs to be a concerted effort to bring us together. What better way than an Amani Federation song contest. We could do it like the Europeans and their Eurovision Song contest and call it the Amanivision song contest. All countries in the federation submit a group to represent them. Countries are not allowed to vote for their own country. Luckily with Rwanda and Burundi now in we will have 5 countries thus five bands. Or maybe two per country (he, he now that’s UEFA champions league-esque if I ever heard anything of the sort). The winning country will then organise the next year’s song contest. It can’t be rigged coz you cannot vote for your country. You can only vote for Uganda or TZ or Rwanda or Burundi if you are Kenyan. This should ensure only the real winner will emerge. This is a sure way for us to bond as a region/federation. I bet the night of the contest will be a pretty big draw on terrestrial TV. And something tells me that the way they are going this contest would probably be NTV territory. But then again what do I know about anything right?

While we are talking about a singing contest, why don't we have a regional pageant while we are at it? I'm told that just like Miss Venezuela is a perennial winner of Miss Universe, Miss Rwanda and Burundi would own the pageant. I am big believer that to stop people fearing each other, we should show the hottest people in their land. Show me a hot babe and I can be pretty sure that every Amanian dude will want to hook up with the lass or her countryman. Now that’s how we break down barriers. Hot babes.

Long live the Amani Federation. May peace prevail. May we all never lack for food and drink. Especially Tusker. May we all turn our potential into Kinetic energy. May we all hook up with at least one regional chic/jamaa before we settle down for life (In my case may I hook up with a mama from all for countries - TZ, Uganda, Rwanda and Burundi he, he). May our have a regional miss Amani Federation to ensure that we all know what we consider hot.

May 17 update
p.s. So NTV’s on the spot with Julie Gichuru has Sir Charles Njonjo and the Minister for East African Federation. Njonjo is more concerned about how Kenyans are hated in Tanzania and Uganda. Koech fails to really sell the EA concept. Njonjo says that we need to worry about our problems and then worry about joining other countries. Hmmm… It’s like a pal saying that he won’t get married until he has mali. The thing is that once you get the mula, why would you get married then? You would be one of those paranoid serial bachelor types that think that a chic is dating you just to get half of your mali. I say get married now and solve the problems together.

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