Nairobi city is abuzz this Monday morning. The matatus are filling to the brim as people head to their schools and places of work. The most popular station playing on the radios in the traffic moving at a nails space is Frantic 105 with breakfast presenters Miner K'geni and Maalimu K'ongang'y. The discussions on this radio station in recent times have been the talk of the town with the racy nature of
discussions. This day was to be no different as the car stereo cracks and listeners smile....

Miner: Thanks for tuning into Frantic 105 home of the great hits. Last night I was having drinks with some friends and one of them told me about her husband who is an avowed Manchester Fan. As a fan of The Arsenal she was having problems with him recently. Apparently he laughed at her continually, calling her names the day his side beat hers 8-2. However in the last few weeks he has gone into a funk
blaming her for his inability to perform his duties “pale pale” (there there (you KNOW what this means)). . So what I wanted to know ladies is, does your man castigate you for your support of "Arsenali." Call me my number is 1234. Later in the show you can also get a chance to win amazing prizes with Coasti Cooking fat and you can get you picture in The Avatar newspaper so that can be an Avatar for a day. Meanwhile here's some amazing Peabo Bryson to keep you company on the roads...

Music plays then follows to the interval...

Miner: Welcome back ladies and Gentlemen. I also want to welcome Maalimu K'ongang'y to the studio. Good morning Maalimu.
Maalimu: (Grunts) Ngoo Mornin'
Miner: Morning. Now today's discussion is on this lady Gunner who is not happy that husband has been failing to perform in the last few weeks because his Manchester has been struggling. What's you take Maalimu?
Maalimu: Ju know Miner. Nthis Arsenal supporters are all the same. Wanaaza campaign wanashinda michezo mbili tatu alafu wanaanza kupiga kelee hapa wana sahau hii ni league hapana mchezo ya mwezi tatu. Wameshinda nini hao ma-Arsenal tangu sinjui ho-fo?" (They start a campaign and win two or three matches forgetting the league doesn't end after three months. What have they won since 2004?)
Miner: Well they won the FA cup in 05 Maalimu.
Maalimu: FA ni nini? Hiyo ni kikombe ndogo ya kukunya chai hapo Mburma market. (What is FA? That is a small cup to drink team at the Burma Market)
Miner: But still that's a trophy Maalimu. And this season they look like they can win something.
Maalimu: (Grunts) Hiyo ni zako. Wanayua tu treble yao hao mavinjana wa Wenger. Manashinda Chelsea, Man Yhoo na Mbacalona halafu wana ndhani league imeikwisha. Bure kabisa hao Ngunners. (That's yours. The only know of their own treble those Wenger youngsters. They beat Chelsea,
Man U and Barcelona and think the league is over. Very useless those gunners).
Miner: Well that's Maalimu's opinion. Let get your opinion on this my number is 1234. When we come back you can also get an opportunity to win with my cash goat.
Maalimu: Ehh Miner alituletea mbuzi inakulwa choma kutoka Kismayu. Labda utasaindia hao Arsenali wanunue wachezanji washinde waache kelele hizo zao hapa. (Eh Miner brought us a goat to be roasted from Kismayu. Maybe Arsenal fans will win it they help their club to buy players they stop making noise here.)
Miner; Indeed now we've got some Micheal Bolton lined up for you let's listen and hope that Arsene Wenger will be the Sole Provider for trophies soon...

Michael Bolton wafts through the crisp Nairobi air...

Miner; welcome back ladies and gentlemen to Frantic 105. Let me have your final word on this discussion today and on the line we have Wangare. Hallo Wangare.
Wangare; Hallo Miner.
Miner: Hi. Now you called and told me a shocking story...
Wangare: yes Miner. This husband of mine was so supportive when I met him ten years ago. We were from different clubs but he loved me and he told that it didn't matter that I supported The Arsenal. But after the invincibles season my Kamau changed.
Miner: How so?
Wangare: he lost all respect for me gradually and refused to hear anything I had to say.
Miner: Why madam?
Wangare: he claimed he would only listen to football opinion to people who won trophies not to gunners. It was very hurtful. It got worse and the abuse he heaped on me after the Old Trafford 8-2 humiliation was horrible. I never knew my husband could be so heartless.
Miner: So what changed recently?
Wangare: Those Mancs were beaten by their noisy neighbours 6-1 recently and the man has started avoiding conversion, football or otherwise. He has even been been unable to perform his duties pale
pale (there there).
Miner: (sounding incredulous) Are you serious?!?
Wangare: Imagine Miner. This man is just like Manchester. Promised so much but when the nini hits the fan prefers to stay out all night drinking with his friends avoiding me because he thinks I will ask him what happened at Old Trafford with that Benfica team. I won't ask him but he thinks I will for some reason.
Miner: Gatho! This man. What happens when he wins?
Wangare: When they win he comes and boasts and boasts asking me when the last time we won anything was. Its very humiliating yet when it comes for his time to be asked questions he says something about it only being a sport.
Miner: Unbelievable!!! Thank you Wangare for sharing your experience with us. Before we go off lets give some money away with my cash goat. Lets check out our switchboard. Hallo?
Caller: Hallo! Am caller number?
Miner: Sorry you are caller number 1. Hallo?
2nd Caller: Hallo! I want to try eat the goat. I'm caller number?
Miner: Ahhh... You are caller number one and half. Sorry. Haaalooo??
3rd Caller: Hallo nataka kukula mbuzi (I want to eat the goat). Me ni caller number?
Miner: Yes you are caller number 3 and you qualify. Let hear the sound of people munching the goat and if you call me to stop you can then get your money. Whats your name sir?
3rd Caller: Mimi naitwa Sospeter. (My name is Sospeter)
Miner: Yes Sospeter, here is your chance to win. You ready?
Sospeter: Ndio (Yes)
Miner: OK here we go. (Sounds of people munching fill the air as sums of money are called out). 100 shillings.... (munch munch munch...) 1,000 shillings... (munch munch munch...) 1,500 shillings... (munch munch munch...) 2,000 shillings...
Sospeter: Stop it! Stop the goat!
Miner: Good job. You now have guaranteed Kshs2000. Shall we continue?
Sospeter: Sawa. (Fine)
Miner: 2,500 shillings.... (munch munch munch...)... 3,000 shillings... munch munch munch... 3,500 shillings... (munch munch munch...)... (bleat!!!). The goat has bleated and you lose your chance
to go home with more money but at least you go home with 2,000 Kenya shillings.
Sospeter: Thank you.
Miner: That was Sospeter winning himself some money from Miners Goat please make sure you participate and get a chance of winning with other shows. Lets hear some Atlantic Starr who know how the lost art of writing love songs. Ahh the good old days...

Atlantic Starr Wafts into the airwaves...

Miner: Welcome back listeners. I want your final word on today's topic about Manchester United fans who become useless after they are beaten at a match. Hallo sir?
Caller: Hallo Miner. Salimia Maalimu. (Greet Maalimu)
Maalimu: Hamesalimika (He has been greeted /He received your greetings))
Miner: Whats your name sir?
Caller: My name is Wakinia
Miner: And what is your opinion on this topic of loud and uncooperative Manchester United fans?
Wakinia: Shida sio watu wa Man U. Ni hawa vinyangarika ya Arsenal. (The problem is not Man U but those buggers of Arsenal)
Miner: Can I take it that you are a fan of Sir Alex Ferguson?
Wakinia: But off course! That is the greatest football manager in the world mpaka (until) they gave him cheo ya (post of) “Sir.” Yeye sio mchezo (He is no joke).
Miner: Why do you say this?
Wakinia: Hawa watu wa Arsenali wanapenda kuongea maneno ya next season kila wanaposhindwa. Hiyo ni team ya Vision 2030. No wonder watu hawa kaangi huko sio Fabregas, sio Henry, Sio Vieira, Sio Nasri. Hata nimesoma kwa gazeti ati Wenger mwenyewe ameshindwa anaenda. (These
Arsenal fans always speak of next season whenever they lose. That is a team for Vision 2030. No wonder people never station there like Fabregas, Henry, Vieira, Nasri. I read somewhere that even Wenger has been unable to hack and is leaving).
Miner: Yes but it seems like the idea of Arsene Wenger moving was a press creation to generate controversy. When the interview at the centre of the storm was translated from French it became clear he was not leaving.
Wakinia: Whatever! Hawa ma-Arsenali ni bure. Wao huenda kwa bar wameficha jersey chini ya sweater. Wakishindwa wanaenda nyumbani wamenyamaza. Wakishinda hata team ndogo sijui Norwich ama Swansea wana piga kelele kama wameshinda dunia nzima. Useless! (These Arsenal fans are useless. They go to bars with their team jersey under a sweater. If they lose they go home quietly. If they win even a small team like Norwich or Swansea they make noise you would think they had won the whole world.)
Miner: OK then. How do your fancy Manchester's chances of winning the Europa league now you were bundled out of the Champions League?
Wakinia: We are doing well. Si unajua tuna rebuild na watu ma-injury kibao. Tutarudi second half of the season. Na Jana tulipea City kichapo cha mbwa. (You know we are rebuilding and currently have many injuries. We shall return at the second half of the season. And yesterday we beat City like a dog)
Miner: But what if you fail to make the second round of the champions league?
Wakinia: Impossible although hao ma-Basel hawatutakii. Wacha tuonee. (Impossible although those Basel dont want us to do well. We shall see.)
Miner: What about this accusation of not delivering “pale pale” mkishindwa (when you are beaten)?
Wakinia: Yenyewe saa zingiine maisha huwa stress. Ni ngumu kufanya hiyo kitu. (To be honest sometimes life can be stressful. Its very hard to do that thing)
Miner: Thank you for your candid opinion. Stay tune to Frantic 105 when we ask the statement; “Whatever Andres Boaz-Villa is smoking to give him confidence that he still has a hob at Chelsea with Roman looming: I want a share.”

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